Growing up different...

Growing up different...

  When I was just a little girl, no more than four years old, I felt different than anyone else in my life. I couldn't seem to function normally, and couldn't seem to keep any friendships for any length of time, and I loved living in my own made up fantasy world, that, oddly enough, I began to believe either was true, or would be true eventually. I was a very beautiful child,, and as early as ten years old, I began to get beat up by other girls because of it. I didn't understand why they didn't like me, and I was always so very nice to everyone, so it hurt my soul, tht, they didn't like me. I didn't understand back then, that, they were just being jealous and caddy. I now know the reason, and still go through the same thing to this day, and I'm forty three years old now!!!! I made the decision to start writing this blog, that will be full of my feelings, stories, struggles, and accomplishments, out of the sheer necessity to have the world read it, and possibbly, I may help someone suffering or going through the same, or similiar things, or even save someone's life. I feel that, I went through all of the things that, I did...so that I could tell my story and help as many people as I cvan. I NEED to help and save people who are hurting and struggling. I kmow this much...I am going to tell you things that, will disgust you, make you cry, make you angry, and eventually make you feel my triump and the amazing end of the darkness result, And my story will continue for as long as I'm alive and breathing. I pray that, one day my very personal blog, will be read worldwide. I am going to beg of anyone who reads this blog, to please tell others to read it, and keep passing it on until, it can and does reach everyone online who can read. I promise to tell the entire truth, and it will always be interesting, and leave you ready and waiting for the next blog to come. Now, as an adult, I definatly knew that, I was different than everyone labeled normal. I still couldn't let anyone get too close to me. I could become the best of friends with a person, and then I'd pull away. Id then move on andf become besties with yet another person, only long enough to pull away, yet again. And LOVE!!!!I wish I could say please don't get me started, but, I promised you the truth. I can fall head over heels in love with someone, ten minutes after meeting them. And, I really believe that, I do love them. then, I give my all, and wind up getting severely hurt, because I expected them to be someone they obviously were not to begin with. So I'd eventually grow to hate them, and blame them for the wrongs they had done to me. Then when the relationship ended....it would take me sometimes years, to find another person I didn't know at all, and fall in true love again, only for the process to repeat itself all over again. I never quite "got", that I was the cause for all of my heartbreak. Talk about being psychotic!!!haha. When it comes to love, I'm a hopeless romantic and also, a total lost cause misfit. I wonder everyday if I'll ever get lucky enough to really find, experience, and keep true love in my life.I hope so. What a waste of a heart and feelings, if I never have it. When I was 33 years old, my Dad was diagnosed with 4th stage lung cancer and lymphoma. the news came on christmas eve. four short months later he suffocated for three hours and six minutes in my arms and died. I have never been the same, since that life changing night. I no longer allow anyone to get close to me. I refuse to let anyone in so deep that their death can hurt me so deeply and change me even further for the worst. I am now an official recluse. I have online buddies and I keep in touch via facebook but, I never see anyone or go anywhere other than necessary places like the store or dr.'s or hospital. otherwise, I'm a stay home body now. The rest of the blogs that, I write from here on out will be my story from the night my Dad died until now. You will be stunned at the fact that, I am even alive to be able to blog my story. I am a miracle, and I'll prove it. People who read my blog, should knoiw right now to not allow young kids to read it. I want it known that it's for sixteen years of age and older only. Please do NOT let anyone under the age of sixteen, read it. It would scare them, I assure youi. Ok, well I know that, this particular blog was probably not very interesting, but, I promise the next one and there forward blogs will be. My story begins from the very next blog on...I really hope you enjoy reading it, and will support my urgency to have as many people read it as possible to help or save anyone that, needs me. I do not want money or funding fior anything. I only want to be a learning and helping tool. so....until next time...I love you everyone....everywhere.....Shauna